


Written on the Body

by gare_tosetti



Category: In the Company of Shadows - Sonny & Ais
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Developing Relationship, Drinking, F/F, F/M, Family Drama, Hate to Love, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, M/M, Not Beta Read, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Third Person, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Trauma, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-25
Updated: 2018-05-26
Packaged: 2018-09-12 02:20:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9051382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gare_tosetti/pseuds/gare_tosetti
Summary: Boyd Beaulieu has given himself four years to live from the day he starts college until he graduates. He hasn’t had words appear on his skin since the day Lou died.Hsin Liu Vega is a drifter, a lost soul enrolled in college the day the words "Johnson U tour" appeared on the back of his hand. It’s as good a reason as any to delay going into his father’s trade business.University is the last shot either of them have in delaying an inevitable future.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I've never attempted a multi-chapter fic before, but this is for my icos secret santa iwanttodateizzy! And because I'm terrible at keeping things short, it's probably going to gradually get longer. I had fun working on this!

Boyd Beaulieu wasn’t sure how he’d ended up agreeing to go to college party, but now that he was here he wasn’t going to turn back.Keeping his hands tucked into his pockets, he followed a few steps behind the messy haired boy in front of him.

_Ryan_ , Boyd reminded himself.Ryan with the curly black hair and freckles that crinkled up when he smiled.Ryan, with a dark scrawl reading “keg @9” on the back of his hand in a stranger’s handwriting.Ryan, who had a soulmate.Ryan, Boyd’s new roommate.

“Come _on_ , Boyd,” Ryan threw a look back over his shoulder, forehead scrunching up in mock frustration.“I don’t want to miss out on a new experience.”Under the harshness of the streetlight, his skin looked particularly pale, but his excitement was clear to read on his face, bubbling over.It was an infectious thing that was already proving to be slightly troublesome.Not only had Ryan succeeded in getting Boyd to talk, but now they were looking for the party of Ryan’s mysterious soulmate.

Boyd thought about mentioning how it was impossible to know that Ryan’s person would even be at Johnson U, and that even if it were, there were probably dozens of parties going on at the large campus.Something about Ryan’s personality—and the recently acquired knowledge that Ryan was living with a potentially deadly disease—made it difficult to burst his bubble, so Boyd was tagging along.

Despite it still being warm and in early September, Boyd was wearing long sleeves and long pants.Ryan had showered and switched out t-shirts before heading out, to be fresh after the strain of unpacking his many boxes of figurines and collectibles.

Ryan paused and extended an open palm to Boyd.

Boyd nearly jumped, and stared at Ryan’s open hand for a long moment.He pursed his lips, giving him a rather sour looking expression.

Ryan laughed.“Never held anybody’s hand before?It’ll seem faster if we do,” he said.Boyd noticed a small dimple on Ryan’s cheek, apparently only visible in the harsh lighting.“Don’t worry, I won’t fall for you,” he added with a wink.“I’ve got a previous arrangement.”Ryan raised his other hand to flash the scrawl on the back of his hand to Boyd.

Boyd shook his head and steeled the slip of his expression away with the gesture.He did his best to swallow down the heaviness rising in his throat and ran a hand through the entire length of his blond hair.The motion soothed him and he relaxed his shoulders a bit, and found he was able to give Ryan a smile.

“I just wasn’t expecting this,” Boyd said, waving at Ryan’s hand.“And I don’t want to leave people with a bad impression of you.I hear image is everything in college.”

“Nah, that was high school,” Ryan grinned.He swatted at Boyd’s moving hand and caught it in his own.“Maybe I’ll make somebody jealous this way.”

Boyd shook his head again, but didn’t try to pull his hand away.He couldn’t remember the last time somebody had touched him casually like this.Despite the foreign sensation, Boyd wasn’t willing to let go just yet, so he smiled at the boy and nodded.“If that’ll help your confidence, sure.”

Ryan’s laugh was like a bell in the night.He squeezed Boyd’s hand tighter and started moving, tugging Boyd gently along with him.They continued down the street lined with houses, in search of a frat party.

Johnson University was a sprawling campus, with different departments in completely different parts of Lexington.Boyd and Ryan had been walking for a good twenty minutes already, mostly aimless.Every few blocks Boyd noticed Ryan checking the back of his left hand, where the writing had appeared per the usual magic.Boyd knew how it worked; marks on one person’s skin would appear on their soulmate’s skin, and fade as they faded on the other person.He still had some marks on his skin, though there hadn’t been any new ones in two years.

It was impossible not to be excited for Ryan because of his enthusiasm, but it was also impossible for Boyd not to feel the ache of loss deep in his gut.The only saving grace was that Ryan hadn’t asked Boyd about his soulmate.He didn’t think he’d be able to talk about that.He’d scarcely spoken about himself since he introduced himself to Ryan, but was content listening to Ryan ramble about his sisters, his excitement to start classes, and his overall enthusiasm for life.

Boyd was the opposite.He had four years to live.He’d given himself until graduation to decide whether life was still worth living anymore, and knew it didn’t make sense to make his judgment on the last two years.He’d been in mourning then.Now he had a chance to finally put distance between himself and the day his life had fallen apart.The distance from his mother should be beneficial in determining whether he would continue living after his four years were up.As of right now, Boyd didn’t plan to.

But with four years to change his mind and an overenthusiastic roomie that wanted to experience _everything_ , Boyd was sure he’d be exposed to plenty of experiences he wouldn’t get on his own.He couldn’t see a reason not to go along.

At least not until he heard the party.

He could hear it before he saw it.Ryan’s hand gripped Boyd’s tighter and he turned to flash Boyd a broad grin.“I think this is it, Boyd,” he said.“It’s _got_ ta be.I can just feel it.”

Boyd gave Ryan a smile and let the boy speed up their pace.They rounded the corner onto Harkey Street, and the house all the noise was coming from was instantly visible.Most of the houses in this area seemed to either be vacated, or rented out to college aged students because of their proximity to central campus, which would explain the lack of anyone stopping the party.The house in question was a three story building, with numerous cars parked bumper-to-bumper on the street and on neighboring lawns.It was decorated in string lights, and from the noise, it sounded like there was some game going on in the front lawn.

Boyd could practically feel Ryan’s excitement crackle in the air like electricity.He was grinning like an idiot, tugging Boyd along towards the party.

Ryan’s hand slipped from Boyd’s and he felt the loss of contact like something deep in him had suddenly been torn away.His hand clenched into a fist and he pressed it against his thigh for a second, before speeding up to catch up next to Ryan.

“What do you think that’s all about?” Boyd asked.He gestured towards a group clustered on a balcony.The people were jumping up and down to the bass of the music, enjoying themselves.

Ryan rolled his shoulder in a quick shrug and ran his fingers through his messy hair, pushing it back from his eyes.“We’ll go find out,” he said.“I’ll text you if I lose you in there,” he added.Boyd nodded, seeing no reason to voice his agreement.They’d exchanged numbers almost as soon as they’d introduced themselves.For a moment, Boyd considered asking whether Ryan had his medication on him, but then decided that Ryan was capable enough of taking care of himself.He didn’t seem like the type that would come to a party completely unprepared, and with his light personality, he was surely to have been at least invited to parties before.

As they approached the building, they could finally see the game going on in the yard.It looked like somebody had used garbage bags and dish soap to turn the yard into a giant slip and slide, and a couple dozen people were coated in mud and soaking wet from skidding across the yard.A brunette wearing only shorts and a bra was handing out glowing bracelets, and her companion was collecting dollar bills in a cup.

Ryan eagerly slipped through a tight space between two parked cars and waved at the girl collecting money.She didn’t see them.

Boyd had barely gotten between the cars when a punk girl adorned with multiple chunky belts wrapped an arm around Boyd’s waist and pressed a red solo cup full of something foul-smelling into his hands.Boyd jumped from the sudden contact, and stared at the woman with the choppy, blue streaked hair.

“Excuse me?” Boyd asked.

Ryan’s eyes went wide and a moment later a pair of arms wrapped around him from behind and locked together at the wrists.

“Hey, fresh meat, you’re welcome,” the girl wrapped around Boyd’s was it looked up at him and winked.Her eyeliner was thick and smudged, and Boyd hadn’t seen anything like it since middle school.“That’s some of JU’s famous sludge, courtesy of the football team,” she pointed a neon orange nail at Boyd’s drink.“Y’all are cute, by the way.Aren’t they Liani?”

The girl clinging to Ryan stepped up on her toes and looked over his shoulder.She flashed a knowing smile at the punk and nodded, tossing her bangs into her face.Boyd saw now that she was Asian, but something about her features gave her away as vicious, despite the fact that she was wearing less flashy clothing than her friend.“Very cute.Adopting boys already?”

The punk laughed, causing Boyd to shake.A generous portion of the drink sloshed out of the cup and made a wet slap on the concrete, luckily missing Boyd’s shirt.He wasn’t keen on smelling like alcohol.“Always, Lia,” she said.She finally let go of Boyd, but not without a solid slap on his ass, which made him spill even more of his drink.Boyd twisted out of the way, but dumped some of the liquid on his shoe.From the smell of it he was almost surprised it didn’t start eating through his shoe like acid.

“Can I try some of that?” Ryan asked, squeezing free of Liani’s arms.

“Have at it,” Boyd handed the cup off to Ryan.He sniffed at the contents and scrunched up his nose, then pinched his nose and tilted his head back for a swig.

Sputtering, he held the cup away from himself and gulped in deep breaths as he tried to recover from the drink.The punk was laughing so loud a few people in line for the dangerous lawn slip and slide stopped and looked over for a few moments.Liani patted Ryan on the back, poorly concealing a smirk.“You could have warned the kid, Tayla.”

Tayla, the punk, guffawed.“Nah, he’s though,” she ran a hand through her choppy hair and gave Ryan a proud smile.“What’s your name, kid?”

“Ryan,” he choked, but still forced a smile.He looked like he’d just tried the best and worst thing in the world.“You’re?”

“The snakes,” Liani said, slipping into place next to Tayla and wrapping her arm around her waist.Now that they weren’t grabbing Ryan and Boyd, Boyd noticed that they had matching snake tattoos winding up both of their arms.Identical red and blue on each of them, and a dead giveaway to what the women were to each other.For a moment, Boyd wondered which of the girls had gotten which tattoo, or if one of them had gotten both.

Tayla pressed quick kiss to Liani’s cheek, grinning like a maniac.“So, Ryan, who’s your loser friend?”

Boyd raised his eyebrows, a little surprised by the statement.

“Boyd,” Ryan answered for him.“He’s my roommate, he’s kind of quiet, but he’s nice.”

Liani finally turned her attention to Boyd and smiled.“Don’t listen to Tayla, she just doesn’t know how to deal with quiet.I get it.”

Boyd relaxed slightly, and smiled.Before he could open his mouth to say anything else, a loud airhorn pierced through the night and drew all attention to the balcony.The guy holding the airhorn was standing next to a massive man, a golden haired chiseled god who was wearing a bed sheet like a cape.Somewhere inside, somebody turned the music down.

Tayla rolled her eyes.“Classic Trovosky,” she said.

Boyd and Ryan watched as the man who had to be Trovosky climbed up onto the railing of the balcony and reached for something above his head.It took Boyd a few moments to recognize that it was a zip line.He was only wearing boxers and the black sheet cape, but in the hundreds of glittering lights decorating the house and various fixtures in the yard, his skin glittered like gold.Even from the distance, he was undeniably attractive.Dark patterns swirled around the man’s body—tattoos.For a moment, Boyd wished he could be closer to the man to so he could see what they were.

The man pushed off from the balcony and soared across the large front yard, towards a large tree that had had a mattress positioned against the trunk to cushion the landing.He yelled all the way down the track and the partygoers cheered as he zipped above them.One guy jumped up, trying to hit Trovosky’s foot as he was going by.Trovosky collided with the mattress on the side of the tree, but bounced back from the force and twisted his body into a landing that was equally parts impressive and terrifying.That kind of stunt could only be performed by somebody who was either extremely skilled with their body—and judging by his sculpted figure, he was—or somebody who was extremely drunk. 

The crowd erupted into a cheer and then the music was back louder than before, making even the ground beneath their feet seem to shake.Ryan took another drink from the cup and then passed it to Boyd.

“I want to try that,” he yelled over the music.Boyd looked down at the cup, then back at the crowd of drunk and muddy people gathering around Trovosky, slapping him on the back and

Deciding it couldn’t be much harm to at least _try_ to enjoy himself at the party, Boyd shouted back.“Let’s go dance.”

Liani and Tayla both whooped their approval when Boyd brought the cup to his lips and knocked back the drink.


	2. Chapter Two

 

Sin stared a hole into the back of his hand as it clenched and unclenched around the steering wheel.His brow was furrowed, and he was deep in thought, seemingly trying to will back the markings onto his skin.They hadn’t shown up for months now, but he was sure they had been real.They had to have been.He wasn’t about to give up on his last sliver of hope that he was alone in the world.

Somewhere on his phone were pictures of the words that had appeared on the back of his hand months ago, before applying and enrolling at Johnson University.He kept the pictures to remind himself it was real, but he didn’t need to look at them to remember the shape of the strange handwriting on his skin.All he had to do was close his eyes. _Johnson U tour._ Sin could see every loop of the words, the connections between letters and how the os were small in comparison to the rest of the lettering.It was like the afterimage of the letters had been burned into his retinas.

It was the first day of classes, and he was sitting in the parking lot, staring at the back of his left hand, making himself late for class.His chest rose and fell in even measures, and he peeked at the clock on the dashboard, noting that he was already a few minutes late.With a sigh he opened his car door and slipped out, not bothering to pick up the textbook shoved in the passenger seat to take along.

Sin half slammed his car door shut and locked it with the button on his keys.He played with them as he walked, clearly not in any hurry to get to class.He chewed on the inside of his cheek, going over the odds in his head.Just because of a few words magically appearing on his hand didn’t mean that whoever was actually attending school here, and Sin had to talk himself out of caring for that reason.Sure, it would be nice to find his soulmate, but he wasn’t set on it.Not after seeing how things had worked out for his father, anyway.But it was as good an excuse as any to avoid following into his father’s footsteps at his company, so Sin had taken it.A gamble on some magic to get away from his father?Not bad.

Sin approached the building and scanned his ID to let him inside.The ground level of the building resembled the lobby of a hotel, and there was even a receptionist hanging around near the elevator doors.He could feel her eyes follow him; everyone’s did.Sin was gorgeous, a near carbon copy of his father except for his eyes.They were slanted, like his mother’s, giving him an exotic look that seemed to draw more attention than his handsome father.He let his hair fall past his eyes, shielding him somewhat from the stare he knew was unavoidable, and proceeded past the receptionist and to the elevator.He crossed his arms across his chest as he waited for his lift.He remembered that his class was somewhere on the third floor—he’d scouted out all of his classrooms over the weekend to make sure he knew where to be.

Sin was almost relieved when the metal doors slid open and he could step inside, away from the prying gaze of the receptionist.He was used to being stared at, but he still hated how obvious it was sometimes.The ride up was short, and soon he was heading down the bland looking hallway towards his room.

The sounds of various classes he passed signaled that he was running significantly late, but Sin couldn’t find it in himself to care.He was tired from a long insomniac night, and the deep bags under his eyes made his flat expression look even more unwelcoming than usual.He stopped in front of the door to his class and looked in through the narrow window set in just above the handle.The professor was a young looking man who already had a receding hairline.He had dark hair that stuck up in the back somewhat, and Sin let his hand rest on the doorknob while he watched the man turn over a page on a clipboard.

When it looked like he was busy, Sin opened the door and stepped inside, and the whole class turned to watch him.There were maybe thirty-forty students at most, and they were seated at tables in twos or threes.

The professor turned to Sin and scowled.“I see you’re finally joining us, Vega.”

The corner of Sin’s mouth twitched, but he didn’t say a word.The professor probably only knew his name because he’d repeated it to the room a few times while checking attendance.Sin closed the door behind him and did a quick survey of the room, looking at the open seats.Out of everyone in the room, only one person wasn’t looking at him.He was a kinda scrawny kid, with long blond hair that covered part of his face like a curtain.He was staring down at his desk, seeming either extremely focused, or asleep.

“Are you going to stand there all morning, or will you sit down so I can continue explaining the syllabus?” the professor drawled.He had a slight southern accent, and Sin tried to remember the man’s name, but couldn’t.

Sin rolled his shoulders and moved to an open seat in the back of the room, at the table with the blond.He left an extra seat between them and his chair scraped against the floor when he pulled it out.It was a cringe worthy sound.Sin sat, crossed his arms across his chest and stared at the professor.

The professor cleared his throat and carried on, reading off a packet of paper that was the syllabus.Sin tuned most of it out and watched the man pace across the front.The chalkboard gave away his name, _Dr. Fine_.A plain sounding name for a plain sounding man.

A few minutes into the droning reading of the syllabus, the blond slid a packet of paper across the table to Sin.Sin’s eyes flickered to the boy, half annoyed, half questioning.

“Extra syllabus,” he shrugged.His voice was low and somewhat musical.When he moved, his hair finally slipped out of the way enough for Sin to see the boy’s eyes.They were a surprisingly light brown, honey, almost golden colored.Sin was unnerved by them, and then he realized why.Despite the light coloring, there was a complete lack of energy behind them.He seemed to just be going through the motions.

Sin grunted and pulled the syllabus packet in front of him and skimmed it.ENGL 120: First-Year Seminar in Literature and Composition.As he flipped through, loudly crippling the pages, Dr. Fine shot him a few annoyed looks.Sin decided the class should be an easy one.He’d never been particularly driven in school, but he enjoyed literature.

“Mis _ter_ Vega,” Dr. Fine cleared his throat.Sin looked up and threaded a hand through his dark hair, pushing it back from his eyes.His glare was so cold that Dr. Fine paused for a moment.“Would you care to read the section about the partner presentations?”

Sin made a face like he was considering the instructor’s request, then he shrugged.“No thanks.”

Dr. Fine’s face went red, but he didn’t yell.

The blond next to Sin lifted his hand from the desk.“I can, Dr. Fine.”

“Go ahead,” he practically spat.“Mister—?”

“Beaulieu,” he said, without missing a beat.

The Beaulieu boy picked up his syllabus from the table and sat up a little straighter and started reading.Sin scowled at the blond and slid lower in his seat, letting the syllabus crinkle in his hands.It was clear on his face that he was uninterested in hearing the syllabus when he could go over it in his own time rather than waste class time.

The blond read the outline of the project—every student would be paired up with a partner and would have to teach an hour of class on one of the reading list books towards the end of the semester.For being what was supposed to be an easy introductory class, Sin thought it sounded like a lot of work.

“Thank you Mister Beaulieu,” Dr. Fine said when Boyd finally finished reading the section.“It’s nice to know that some students in this class are actually competent at following instructions.”

A few students in class started murmuring, and Dr. Fine’s face reddened with frustration.

Sin pushed his chair back and stood up suddenly, and the room turned to face him in the back.Dr. Fine looked like he was about to implode from the anger contained in his scrawny body.Sin focused on the twitching piece of hair standing up on the back of his head, like some sort of beacon.He flexed his fingers idly and set his jaw.

“Do you have something you want to say?”

Sin shrugged.“I just don’t think it’s necessary to sit in here if you’re going to be an asshole to your students.If I wanted to be around assholes, I wouldn’t be paying for it, unless I’m at a bar.”

“Aren’t you a little young for that, Mister Vega?”Dr. Fine’s face was nearly purple now, and Sin smirked.Something about being able to make a person that angry gave him a rush.It was a different pace from what he was used to.

“You don’t know shit,” Sin practically hissed.

A sudden pressure brushing against the back of his knuckles made Sin snap his head down to the boy next to him.He flinched slightly when Sin’s glare was now directed at him.“Calm down,” he said.

Sin slapped the boy’s hand away hard enough for the sound to should fleshy.“Don’t touch me.”

“Out.Get _out_ , both of you,” Dr. Fine was almost yelling now.

Sin grit his teeth together.“My pleasure.”

He crinkled the syllabus packet up and haphazardly shoved it in his back pocket and walked down the middle of the room, pausing momentarily in front of Dr. Fine just to let his glare linger.The man shuddered, but raised his hand and pointed it to the door.“Out.”

Sin shrugged and crossed to the door, threw it open.He slammed it shut and threw his back against the wall in the hallway right outside of the class, waiting there to take a few deep breaths.They didn’t do much to calm him, instead they sharpened his senses until even his teeth were on edge.Sin tugged a hand through his hair, making it stick up in places.

The blond finally came out of the room, with a backpack on.Sin scoffed.Nobody in the world but this kid wore a bag on both shoulders.The second he had the door closed, Sin threw out his arm at the elbow, catching the kid in the chest and effectively slamming his body into the wall.He twisted his hands in the boy’s collar and pressed his arm to the hollow of his throat.When the kid tried to push Sin away, he caught his hand and pressed that on the wall, too.

Sin leaned in closer, studying the blond’s face.He was struggling, panicking almost.His pupils were blown out and he was panting, trying to push away.“Please,” he gasped.

Sin narrowed his eyes.“Don’t touch me again.Do you understand?”

The blond nodded fervently.He sucked in his lower lip to bite and a piece of hair stuck to it.He looked like he was trying his best not to cry.To Sin’s surprise, he still kept eye contact.Despite the terror in his honey brown eyes, he kept looking into the piercing green.“Who are you?”

“Call me Sin.”

Sin felt him swallow.He was scowling again, trying to decide whether he cared enough to find out the boy’s name when the door opened beside them.Dr. Fine stuck his head out, and seeing Boyd pressed to a wall made his eyes widen.

“Do I need to report him for you?” he asked.

Boyd shook his head slowly.“No, sir.But thank you.I really shouldn’t have touched him, I wasn’t considering his personal space.I think we can work this out, thank you.”

Sin’s eyebrows shot up by the sudden defense, and he stared at Boyd’s eyes.He still looked panicked, but he had stopped struggling, was somehow containing himself in front of authority.

Dr. Fine rubbed at his chin.“Whatever.You can work it out when you’re working on your presentation together.”

Sin gritted his teeth.He was about to complain when Boyd jerked his head to the side, drawing Sin’s focus to him again.In that moment, Dr. Fine slipped back inside the classroom, closing the door and effectively separating himself from the scene taking place just outside of his class.

“I don’t do group work,” Sin hissed at Boyd.

“It’s not group, it’s partner,” he retorted.He was squirming again.The desperation was back on his face.Something in Sin’s chest tightened and he let go, taking two steps back from the boy to let him breathe again.

“I’m not your partner,” Sin said coldly.His expression was steeled, hard, but he completely focused on Boyd.He watched as Boyd choked down the panic and put on an expressionless face.

“For the purpose of the class, yes you are, Sin—is that really your name?”

Sin shrugged.“Close enough, blondie.”

Boyd’s eyebrows furrowed.“That’s not my name.”

“Not my problem, Beaulieu,” Sin let out a huff to blow some hair out of his face.The gesture was something so childish that Boyd was taken aback.His expression was unreadable as he tried to decide what the childish gesture meant.

“It’s Boyd.”

“Congrats,” Sin said.He turned away from the blond and shoved his hands in his front pockets and started walking away.He didn’t feel like hanging around anymore, and something about the panicked look in the blond’s eyes wasn’t sitting well with him.It was verging on the too familiar, made him think of the shadows that hung around the fringes of his mind and liked to come out in his dreams.He shook his head, and the motion almost helped him shake the thoughts.

Somewhere behind him, Boyd was asking him to stay and talk.

Sin didn’t stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, part two of what I'm posting for icos secret santa! Hopefully this will go places soon, I might be really bad at updating.
> 
> I'm absolutely not used to writing fic, but I really had a lot of fun writing Sin. I feel like the setting is kind of cheesy but ahh.... I don't really have an excuse lol.
> 
> Any feedback will be appreciated!


	3. Chapter Three

 

Boyd waited in the hallway until the end of the short class to dip back into the room and speak to Dr. Fine.He told himself he was waiting because he didn’t want to come across as rude by re-entering during instruction after being told to leave the room, but mostly he was denying himself the simple fact that his encounter with Sin had upset him.By the time class ended and the first students were leaving the classroom, Boyd’s heartbeat had finally slowed to an almost normal level of anxious pounding compared to the breakneck pace of absolute panic.He could still feel the wall against his back and the pressure of Sin’s knuckles against his throat.

Despite the sensation, Boyd did his best to control his breaths and to find a gap in the flow of traffic to slip back inside.

Boyd could feel the burn of cures eyes on him as he walked past, in front of Dr. Fine’s desk in front of the rows of tables.

A few students were waiting to ask Dr. Fine questions about the syllabus, or other projects Boyd must have missed during his time in the hallway.He waited his turn in line, not really listening to other students’ questions, although they may have helped give him a reason to leave sooner.

When it was just him and Dr. Fine remaining, the still visibly annoyed professor shot Boyd a look, then went back to packing his papers.

“Sir?”

“Did you come back to ask if you want me to report Mister Vega?” Dr. Fine asked.Although his tone was sharp enough to make Boyd flinch, his voice was softer than Boyd had expected.

Boyd took his time answering.“I— no, sir.Thank you for that, but really, I’m fine.I mostly wanted to ask if the partner assignment could be changed.”

“My decision was final,” Dr. Fine sighed.“If I let every student get out of assigned partner work, my reputation at this institution would crumble.Nobody would take me, or my assignments seriously, kid.”

“—But I’m not asking to get out of the assignment, Dr. Fine.I’m asking to get out of the assignment _with him_.”

Dr. Fine stopped gathering his things and put his balled fist against the surface of the desk.He looked Boyd up and down.“Are you scared of him?”

“No—“ Boyd lied.“I’m not scared.I just don’t think it’s fair to make him work with the one person in class he already clearly hates.”

“Two, Beaulieu.You’re not counting me,” Dr. Fine said.He paused to look towards the door a moment, as if to check if anyone else was listening in on the conversation although it was obvious to Boyd that nobody in the world was here to listen.“I’ve dealt with problems students like Vega before.I’ve dealt with goody-two-shoes students like you before too.As a professional, it’s not my job to care who likes whom, I’m here to make sure everybody learns something.You seem like you could both stand to learn how to adjust your attitudes _._ Now, if that’s _clear_ , I have another class to get to.”

Boyd caught the hesitation in Dr. Fine, but didn’t press it any further.

“Email me if you have any questions relevant to the syllabus,” he said, and turned back to finish packing his bag.

 

 

Two more uneventful syllabus lessons later, Boyd made his way to the the larger of the two libraries on campus.He’d seen them when he was on his tour here, months ago, but he figured it couldn’t hurt to go ahead and familiarize himself with a building he’d likely be spending a lot of time in over the next four years.

Boyd’s buzzing phone was left unchecked in his back pocket.Boyd had no doubt it was Ryan texting him, probably inviting him to celebrate the first day of classes by going out to another party, or some other new thing.But between the afternoon’s events and the memory of Sin’s glare burned into his mind, Boyd’s socializing meter was running on empty.

The library was empty, too, this time of year.The building was huge, but not glamorous.The smell reminded Boyd of the local library in his hometown.The main difference was the size, and the fact there were security guards in an office cubicle watching the entrance of the building.

Boyd made his way through the security sensors and past the reference desk towards the sign pointing at stairs.The only sound to accompany his climb was the monotonous thumping of his feet on the linoleum floor, and his slightly uneven breathing.The last few years had taken a toll on Boyd’s body.While he had never been in amazing shape, his depression had taken any motivation that may have possessed him to do anything social other than the required attendance at school.

In the secure isolation of the stairwell, Boyd’s body finally gave out on him.A wave of half choked down emotions washed over him, stopping him in his tracks.The sensation of knuckles on his neck, the piercing green stare, the lingering threat behind the man’s “ _Don’t touch me again_ ” shook Boyd to the core.

Boyd tripped on the next step and barely caught himself with his forearm before hitting his head against the edge of another step.His foreword momentum flipped his backpack up his neck, into the back of his head.The compromising position left him just as vulnerable as his racing thoughts had, and against his will his body was overcome by the overwhelming sensation of utter panic and lack of control.

Sin’s voice warped in Boyd’s mind until it was replaced with another voice Boyd worked to suppress.But the crack in his demeanor let the voice slip through.

_I want you to remember this forever_.

Boyd arched his back and opened his mouth to let out a scream that never came.

 

 

“Hey, most people save their breakdowns in the library for final’s week,” a low, soothing voice eased Boyd from the darkness of his thoughts.

Boyd stirred, shifted from his position curled up on the stairs to stare up at the most innocuous looking man he had ever seen.The man was wearing khakis and a plain dark grey shirt that clung to his chest in all of the right places.His face was pretty but possessed a sort of plainness that would easily go unnoticed in a crowd.

Boyd’s eyes burned from a combination of tears and shame that he’d been found _like this_.He swallowed hard, found his throat was dry to make it easy to speak.He ran his tongue against the roof of his mouth, to try and help his words come, but they didn’t.

The man put down the small stack of folders he was carrying and sat down on a step just out of Boyd’s reach.“Do you wanna talk about it?”

Boyd shook his head.That much he could do.

They remained in an awkward silence a few moments more before Boyd readjusted.He removed his backpack and let it slump between his back and the wall, and sat up sideways on the stairs so he could watch the stranger.He had the presence of mind to swipe his sleeves at the snot on his face to make himself more presentable.Boyd could practically hear his mother demeaning his disheveled appearance.“ _I can’t believe any son of mine would go out in public looking like that.”_

The young man gave a reassuring smile and nodded in return.“That’s okay,” he said, scratching the back of his neck.“You should’ve seen the state my roommate found me in when my girlfriend broke up with me a week into starting school.” 

His honesty—or, seeming honesty—helped Boyd relax.Boyd took comfort in the fact this complete stranger, much like Ryan, was admitting to their vulnerabilities so readily.It made Boyd wonder if he’d had a more usual life, if he’d be able to look at vulnerability and emotion and be able to admit to them in some similar fashion.

“I’m Kaspar, by the way,” the young man gave a charming, awkward smile to Boyd.“Do you want to come to the basement with me?I can make you some tea.Or coffee.Your preference.”

Boyd rolled his shoulders in a half shrug.This time, when he searched for his voice, it came: “Not now, thank you,” he said.“I should be heading home.”

Home.A habit.Home was a few freeing hours away now, but Boyd remembered Ryan and reached for his phone.As he suspected, there were a few texts from Ryan.He unlocked his phone and scrolled through them, feeling slightly worse with every one.

 

_5:01 pm Ryan: hey :0_

_5:02 pm Ryan: * :)_

_5:04 pm Ryan: lets do roomie dinner bonding 2night!_

_5:20 pm Ryan: if ur not busy I’ll be in Mason Hall eating_

_6:32 pm Ryan: look who I ran into_

_6:32 pm Ryan: Photo Message_

 

In the picture the two women Boyd and Ryan had met the other night, Tayla and Liani were crammed together on one chair together.Tayla’s blue streak hair was flopping into her eyes as she twisted her arm around Liani’s body to flip her middle finger to the photographer.Liani was wearing a short pink skirt, straddling Tayla, and pressing a kiss to Tayla’s cheek.The image had the smudge of a thumb in the frame.

 

_6:45 pm Ryan: I’m heading home now! See u there_

_7:19 pm Ryan: hey I’m in our room and I brought in dessert to celebrate_

_7:20 pm Ryan: you better not be doing something fun without me! ;p_

 

Kaspar seemed to be waiting on Boyd to respond, so Boyd shook his hair out of his face and involuntarily grimaced back in Kaspar’s direction. 

“You can tell me what’s up next time you’re here, kiddo,” Kaspar smiled again.When he reached for his stack of notebooks again, Boyd caught a glimpse of writing on Kaspar’s wrist.A black, freshly marketed in heart was tucked in the creases of skin below his palm.The sweetness of the gesture made Boyd’s heart pang with the loneliness of knowing he’d never again see a message like that on his own skin.

Kaspar caught Boyd looking, probably guessing Boyd had assumed Kaspar knew who his soulmate was.“It’s encouragement, you know.I haven’t met them yet, but I’m sure it’s good for them to know I wish them the best, yeah?”

Boyd frowned.He pushed his hair behind his ear and nodded again.“I’m sure it’s good for them to know,” he agreed.

Kaspar hesitated for a moment, then held out his hand.

Boyd raised his eyebrows instead of asking why.

“Your phone,” Kaspar said.“Let me give you my number so somebody can send you reminders, too.”

Boyd backed out of the message exchange between him and Ryan, and handed his phone to Kaspar.He typed something in and waited a minute until his phone started chiming in his pocket, then passed the phone back to Boyd.

“I called myself— What’s your name?”

“Boyd.”

Kaspar smiled.“I’ll remember that.”

Boyd nodded and stood up.He remembered to smile at Kaspar, both out of politeness and out of genuine gratitude that some stranger would stop and help Boyd crawl back into his body from the depths of his mind.

“Thank you, Kaspar,” Boyd said.He checked his phone long enough to send Ryan a quick text back, then put his phone away and grabbed his bag.

“No problem,” Kaspar got up too.“Half the job of a librarian is making sure students don’t die in here,” he laughed.Boyd didn’t think it would be kind to point out how that joke was maybe a little less funny to him.

Boyd gave an awkward wave, and went back downstairs towards where he’d come in from.He could feel himself coiling inward when he realized that the matching footsteps behind him were Kaspar’s, following him downstairs.Boyd felt awkward cutting their conversation so short only to be pursued in the same direction, but reminded himself that this was probably the main staircase in the library.He wasn’t purposefully following him.Kaspar worked here.

Boyd’s anxiety buzzed along until he was finally out the stairwell, away from Kaspar.He still felt uneasy about the whole interaction, but overall, Kaspar seemed genuinely kind.Why anyone would seem interested in communicating with him, Boyd couldn’t imagine, but like Ryan, Kaspar seemed interested in pursing at least some form of casual friendship with him.

The concept of friendship felt foreign to Boyd after so long without it that he didn’t know how to go about it anymore.

His phone went off again as soon as he got outside, and Boyd answered.

“Hey, hey, hey, hey—“ Ryan chimed on the other end of the line.“Glad you got back to me!”

“Yeah, sorry it took so long,” Boyd sighed into the receiver.“It’s been a long day.”

“Well, good news,” Ryan said.“It might cheer you up.Liani and Tayla said there’s a party at their sorority house to celebrate the new semester, and we’re invited.”He sounded genuinely excited about the whole thing.

Boyd thought back to the other night at the frat party, about how he had, for a few minutes at least, genuinely had fun dancing with Ryan until Ryan spun himself out of breath and needed to be swept aside for water and a few puffs of his inhaler.Despite Boyd’s reluctance and exhaustion to go anywhere, he had decided he couldn’t make an educated decision on whether living was worth it unless he put in the effort to experience what this life had to offer him.If tonight, that was another party, he’d take it.

“That sounds fun,” Boyd told Ryan.“When is it?”

“Starts at nine, probably sooner though, honestly.Wanna have dessert with me and go?”

“Sure,” Boyd told him.“I’ll be there in twenty.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic has been dead forever, and the icos fandom is teeny so I'm not sure who'll see this, but I hope you enjoy! This is a product of what my brain vomited up while instead trying to work on original fiction lol. Some writing is better than none I guess, and this fic wins the profits of the day!  
> Thanks all for reading :)


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